Funny, I rarely have time on my hands that I don't know what to do with. In fact, I always seem to have one obsession or another to which every spare second is dedicated. Be it balancing the family budget, calculating the exact amount our RRSPs will be worth in 20 years, working on home renovations, surfing the Internet or creating a home page, there has always been something that I cannot wait to turn to whenever I get a few spare minutes. But today...I don't know... Maybe I'm in transition, waiting for that lightning to strike again. Or maybe it's just summertime restlessness. Whatever, I've been just wandering about, not really wanting to do anything, not really wanting to do nothing either. Trying to find something to pique my interest and everything falls flat. I hate it when you say, "I don't know what to do," and your spouse, happily surfing away (since even that didn't interest you), replies absently, "You could always do some laundry..." Like I didn't already know that. This house is one huge repository of 'things I could be doing', but not one of them struck my fancy today. (Not that my fancy is often struck by laundry or stripping wood, but you know what I mean).
So in a meaningless meandering way I sort of did this, and did that, had a little nappie on the couch, sat outside and looked at the weeds in the garden, and managed not to accomplish a single thing all day. Which is not unusual, since lately my passion has been surfing the net and heaven knows nothing is really accomplished that way. But this was a different sort of non-accomplishment; I really wanted to do something, I just didn't know what.
What is it in me that leaves me unable to focus my energies on one thing, to become really good at that one thing, and then to continue to excel at that thing? I always seem to get all excited about something, work myself into a frenzy, so certain that this is the thing for me, and then my interest just sort of peters out... It's like when I learned to play pool; within weeks we had a table at our house, a few months later we bought a brand-new one...more than once I stayed up all night practising shots. And I got fairly good at it. But then somehow, somewhere, I just lost interest and moved on...I think the next thing was the computer (the first one). Which led to bbsing, which led to buying the whole big new system, which led to the internet and my home page...which leads us to here and now, and my current state of unrest. Perhaps it's because I went out on Friday night and realized that I'd lost much of my 'edge' on the pool table. Perhaps it's because when our financial guy was asking me questions the other day about our budgeting, I didn't know the answers anymore. Perhaps it's because the house is still only half-done and I'm tired of looking at drywall. Somehow there just doesn't seem to be enough time to do all the things that interest me, at least not to the degree of excellence that I demand of myself, so I'd rather not do them at all. How's that for screwy reasoning?
I have to get my act together. But sometimes it just seems so impossible. Something always suffers. Oh, to be independently wealthy and not have to 'waste' those 8 hours a day in the workplace. But that's not gonna happen anytime in the foreseeable future. So I guess I better just pull up my socks (figuratively; I'm not wearing any) and learn how to manage my time. And try to not get caught up in a new interest. That's the tricky part.
